Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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