i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
