She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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