Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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