What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
