thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
