I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
