Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
