If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
