You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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