the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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