too bad you live with your parents still
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
