At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
