this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's rum buckets o'clock
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
