I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
