Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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