i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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