remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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