Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
