the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
