How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can you bring me the toilet please
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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