Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
