He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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