Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
