I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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