could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
