There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
