in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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