u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
did i just pee glitter
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
