somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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