It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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