New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
