Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
