He uses pillows to masturbate.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
