Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
pop tarts are not kleenex
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i drank out of a bidet.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
