Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
