Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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