my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
