I think i sorta joined a cult last night
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
