he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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