I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
