This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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