grandma shit on top of the toilet
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
