you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
