I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
