if i can run in heels then i can drive
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
