So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
