he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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