Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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