So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
