how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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