This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
