why didn't you poke me back
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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