hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
