Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Pooping to opera.
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