DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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